Today, Rebecca, God wants you to know that to love is to be vulnerable.

Love is the opening of the heart, the welcoming of your beloved. Loving is not secure, authentic loving is risky. Security lies behind the walls of a closed heart. You either invite the union by opening in love, or you secure the isolation by closing down.

From Today, God wants you to know…

This was the message I received today, and I had to stop for a moment and give it a bit of serious consideration. Over the past few years, I’ve noticed myself shutting down a bit. I had some negative experiences…well, let’s not downplay it…I had some terribly painful experiences with relationships and now, I just want to be left alone. I used to enjoy the idea of being in a relationship. I used to look forward to finding someone and building something that might last. But not now. Not after the things I’ve seen, the things I’ve experienced. Relationships for me have become just one more way to be let down or abused. Why would I even bother?

Full disclosure, I was in love. For a very long time. And I kept getting reassurances that the person I loved felt the same way. But every time I got close to creating any kind of life with him, he pulled away. We’d get together and he would create situations that made me so angry that I couldn’t deal with him. And he would leave, and I would be alone again. This person had no problem disconnecting from me and then going off and creating a life with someone else. He was perfectly happy being part of an established couple with just about anyone but me. Yet, he loved me. Or so he always said. But I guess that was just another in a long line of lies he told. And now, the very thought of getting that close to anyone else makes me absolutely sick. So, if he wanted me all to himself, he succeeded in a roundabout way. The only problem is that now I don’t want him either.

You may be thinking, “Is she stupid?” Well, no. I’m not. But I kept thinking the next time would be different. I kept thinking there was something good in him and that since he said he loved me, that he was just having problems executing it. And then, of course, I went through the whole, “I must not be lovable,” thing and I conceded the point that maybe I was just too difficult to have a solid relationship. But am I really? Is it just me or has it become increasingly difficult to maintain any kind of connection with someone? And when you bring God into it (as you always should), it makes it that much more difficult to connect with some people. God scares them more than the relationship does, so if you ask for a relationship that is God-centered, you might as well go ahead and reject yourself.

There was a time when I thought that after it was all said and done, we’d finally find our way back to each other and live happily ever after. But that time has certainly passed. There will not be another opportunity for this man. And there may not be another opportunity for me. I’m tired of it. I need God and His stability more than I’ll ever need that man’s love. So, if that means that I’ll spend the rest of my life alone, so be it. I’d rather spend a lifetime letting God repair me than one more minute of letting a man tear me down. I just need to figure out how to allow that repair to take place without shutting everyone out. It’s a balancing act and one that I’m not yet very good at. But of all of the things I have learned or will learn about relationships, I’d say that one’s most worth the effort.

I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever feel like I can pursue couple-hood again. But then I think, “Why would I?” I like where I’m at in terms of not having to answer to anyone. I like not having to consult with someone about dinner. I like being able to make decisions about where I’m going or what I’m doing without having to wonder if someone else is going to be happy with it. So, sadly, I think I’m out of the mood to be anyone’s Mrs. at this point. I can still have love for people without having to give up my sense of self. But there really is only so far you can go as a single entity. What happens when I get old…er? What if I get sick? Won’t I want support from someone who loves me? Or will the last part of my life be much like the rest of it? I guess it really depends on how I decide to define happiness and joy in my life. Since I used to be somewhat fixated on how happy I would be if I just had a great partner who loved me, I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle of a very necessary transition that God wanted me to make. But as with any transition, I have to be careful not to take it too far to the other end of the spectrum. Instead of getting to a place where I will be able to have peace and maintain my ability to welcome love, I might find myself backed into a corner where all I can do is shield myself from my enemies…real and imagined.

I had previously thought I had completed a cycle, but it appears that I am simply in the middle of a process that God is walking me through in order to make room for the next big blessing. That blessing may include a relationship and it may not. But the word for the day made me realize that I am not quite where I need to be in terms of allowing what He has for me to actually manifest in my life. I need to make sure that I’m healed to the point that I am okay on my own, but able to welcome someone new into the mix if it seems like He sent them my way. He’s usually right, so I guess I still have a lot of work to do.

Rebecca Benston is the owner of Higher Ground Books & Media and the author of over twenty titles currently available through Amazon and other outlets. Her books include a mystery series (The Rona Shively Stories), empowerment resources such as Wise Up to Rise Up, Don’t Be Stupid (And I Mean That in the Nicest Way), and From Judgment to Jubilee, children’s books including Grumble D. Grumble Learns to Smile, All the Scary Things, and See How Strong You Are. Benston lives in Springfield, Ohio with her awesome daughter, Mya and enjoys traveling, reading, writing, and telling it like it is. She enjoys being able to help other authors get their stories out there through Higher Ground and has recently expanded her freelance services to offer more extensive guidance as a writing coach and social media manager. For more information, you can contact Benston at highergroundbooksandmedia@gmail.com.

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