As I was rolling through town today; driving home after dropping my daughter off at yet another golf event, an old song came on the radio and I found myself thinking back to simpler times. The memories came flooding back and about a million questions came to mind. Some of which were:

Do people really enjoy life these days?

Do people fall in love anymore?

Is everything a test?

Where did our joy go?

Will it ever return?

The lyrics to the song were so simple and non-threatening. There was no glorification of evil and all the things we do when we’re under its influence. There was just warmth and happiness and a feeling of complete and utter joy. There was hope. Strangely, this was one of my favorite songs during a time when I had lost much of the hope I’d had. I was heavily involved in drinking and other self-destructive behaviors. I had been raped by a close friend and my mind and heart were broken. The alcohol had been the substandard glue I’d tried to use to put myself back together. The problem was that the pieces kept slipping and falling back to the ground where they shattered even further. I didn’t know what else to do, so I drowned my sorrows in alcohol and turned my attention to music and trying to at least look like I was enjoying myself.

For those who have known me a while, they know that I’m one of the most inhibited people in the world. I rarely relax and I hardly every allow myself to enjoy anything fully. The idea that if I did, the other shoe would drop down and crush me un-apologetically always lingered in the back of my mind. Going through that painful period in my life forced me to step inside the mirror and live my life from the other side of my reflection. Strangely, the solace I found in singing mediocre karaoke while tossing back Kamikazes was the best I could do at the time.

My heart has since healed from the trauma of those days. My mind is catching up. Being sober and fully awake leads to a level of consciousness that is sometimes unbearable. But even more frightening to me now is the idea that I would attempt to live through these days in the state of unawareness I once lived in without fear. Or was it? At the time, I would have considered myself fearless, but in reality I would say that I showed the most cowardice I’ve ever shown every time I crawled into the bottle to block out the pain. We convince ourselves that we are having fun, but we’re really so far from anything that resembles joy that the assertion is most definitely a lie. There’s nothing fun or admirable about numbing oneself to everything that is going on around them and letting their demons surface to wreak havoc on family and friends. Telling Satan to use you for his purposes because you simply don’t care to try anymore is about as cowardly as it gets.

The songs that filled my head during those dark days were the only glimmer of hope that remained. Today, hearing them in the clear, bright light of a healed heart and mind, they meant so much more. Hearing those words today, after a battle hard-fought and won, I can say with all confidence that I am stronger than what the devil wanted me to be. And he’ll not win another round.

In case you were wondering, the song was Candy Rain by Soul for Real. Just a fluffy little love song, but one that made me smile. Here are some of the lyrics:

My love, do you ever dream of
Candy coated raindrops?
You’re the same, my candy rain

Have you ever loved someone
So much you thought you’d die?
Giving so much of yourself
It seems the only way

Tell me what you want and I
And I will give it to you
‘Cause you are

(c) 1995, Writer(s): Jean-claude Olivier, Samuel Barnes, Terri Robinson, Heavy D

Rebecca Benston is the owner of Higher Ground Books & Media and the author of over twenty titles currently available through Amazon and other outlets. Her books include a mystery series (The Rona Shively Stories), empowerment resources such as Wise Up to Rise Up, Don’t Be Stupid (And I Mean That in the Nicest Way), and From Judgment to Jubilee, children’s books including Grumble D. Grumble Learns to Smile, All the Scary Things, and See How Strong You Are. Benston lives in Springfield, Ohio with her awesome daughter, Mya and enjoys traveling, reading, writing, and telling it like it is. She enjoys being able to help other authors get their stories out there through Higher Ground and has recently expanded her freelance services to offer more extensive guidance as a writing coach and social media manager. For more information, you can contact Benston at highergroundbooksandmedia@gmail.com.

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