So, it isn’t like me to go this long without speaking. I’ve been overwhelmed by life and haven’t allowed myself time to come to the blog and write. But, since yesterday was my birthday, I feel compelled to say a few things. Sometimes God removes us from a routine so that we can really begin to look at what we have been doing and if needed, re-route ourselves. And though it is extremely uncomfortable for someone like me to move out of a comfort zone, I’m trying. The bad thing is, I can develop a routine at the drop of a hat. So when He tells me to stop doing something, my natural inclination is to pick up something else and do a whole lot of that instead. Sound familiar? I really hope not. For your sake, I hope the thorn in your side is much less painful and that you are at least able to remove it from time to time.
The truth is that I’ve been struggling. Not in the way that most people say they are struggling. I’m struggling with reconciling this leg of the journey with the other ones. And I will be until I move into the one after this one. Sorry to make your head spin on that one, but what I mean is that there have been so many “lives” in my life that it often takes a couple of shifts before I can look back and understand what I was meant to glean from them. Often, my life begins to feel like several seasons of a television drama where all of the pieces are still hanging out there until the Great Producer/Director of my life decides to take me into the next big plot twist. Is there ever resolution? Or will I just get cancelled? Well, yes eventually, there is some resolution that will inevitably take place along the way. Maybe not in the way that an old Charlie’s Angels episode was wrapped up neatly within forty-five minutes or so, but there is some degree of resolution with each progression. And today, I can scarcely recognize the woman I was just fifteen years ago. Even ten years ago is tough. I am simply not the same.
When I turned forty, I was ecstatic. I was so ready to be done with my thirties. They had been painful and chaotic and I wanted to leave them behind and finally take hold of my life. But I was not in a good place financially or emotionally or even physically for that matter. I was still struggling with the need to prove that someone out there loved me and wanted to be with me, even if my husband didn’t. I had been divorced for a few years at that point and was finally ready to think about looking for another relationship, but looking back from here I see that I really wasn’t. In fact, I’m still not. And the further away from that mentality that I get, the less I feel the need for that kind of connection. I have a decent job. My business is going well. My daughter is doing great. My life is quite full and it is finally filled with the things that I love and enjoy. Most of the pieces have fallen into place quite well and should be easy to carry forward. I feel good about how I spend my time and I’m not dealing with the drama or confusion that comes from trying to figure out whether or not someone is really interested in me or in what they can get from me. This is where I want to be…at least in terms of any romantic notions I may have once had.
In truth, I can’t believe that I ever spent so much time and energy trying to make it easier for someone to love me, for someone to see how much I have to offer. I am a good person and for the longest time, I have neglected to put the time and energy into making myself understand that. I was always too focused on staying connected to the wrong people in hopes that they would someday see my value. But that part of my life is over. Not only will I not be moving forward with people who don’t value me, I will not be moving forward with projects that add no real value to my life or to the world I live in. At times, it has been difficult for me to stand up for myself in this way, but I’ve been trying it out and I like the way it feels to set those boundaries.
As I do every year, I’m setting some new goals for myself and heading toward year 48 with so many things on my mind. I am three years from turning 50. My daughter is three years from graduating from high school. We are three years away from a big move to another state so that she can go to college. Lots of milestones coming up. Lots of transitions on the horizon. So, I have to be ready. I have to have my ducks in a row. I’ve got a lot to do and a very short period of time in which to get it all done. So, I’m going to keep putting one foot in front of the other and walking down this path that God has set for me. I’ve got Him and I’ve got my daughter. We’ll carry what we can, but there will also be a lot that gets left behind. I’m looking forward to seeing what’s really out there. I’ve been digging for years, but so far I’ve only managed a scratch the surface. Here’s to hoping that at some point soon, He’ll give me a bigger shovel.
I run in the path of your commands, for you have broadened my understanding.
~Psalm 119:32 NIV~