Today's Pondering: Am I Still in There?

God said to him, “Because you have asked … for yourself understanding to discern what is right, I now do according to your word. Indeed I give you a wise and discerning mind.”–1 Kings 3:11-12
I’m in the middle of a personally challenging time in my life.  Although, I realize that countless others have gone through this same thing, it is difficult for me to fathom that it could be this confusing for everyone.  As I have done many times in my life, I recently left a situation that simply didn’t feel right.  What do you do when you know that you’ve somehow lost yourself in something and you no longer want to be lost? 
The question, “Am I still in there?” comes from years of wondering just who I am.  I tried to become something that I thought somebody else would love and cherish more than anything in the world and became something I wouldn’t even love.  But that’s how it is, isn’t it?  We try and we try to do things the way others would have us do them.  We try to become what we think others can be proud of or admire.  We try to do everything to make ourselves more attractive to man and we come up short. 
We start out with a clean slate, but that quickly gets filled up with everyone’s expectations of everything from when we should learn to walk to when or even if we should have children.  We let others dictate what we like or dislike, what we seek or avoid, what we want or don’t want.  And through all of it, we remain confused about what it is that we really, truly need in our lives.  So the question comes to us, “What is it that you really want in this life?”  Sometimes, we can’t even make up an answer, much less figure out the truth for ourselves.  Time sometimes helps us to make decisions, but sometimes it also helps us to regret those decisions.  The farther away we get from a situation, the more we might begin to ask ourselves, “Why did I do that?”
When I sat down to my morning meditation today, I asked God to help me get over this.  I asked him if he could help me to let something go and to just move on.  This isn’t the first time I’ve had this conversation with God.  It seems I have this tendency to hang onto things and that I often don’t know if I should.  Sometimes, when I’ve let things go, I’ve known without a doubt that it was the right thing.  Sometimes, however; I’ve not been so sure.  And so, I have to trust that God will speak to me and to let me know when I need to change my mind.  That is really all that we can do.  To ask, and then trust that God will provide us with an answer.  If the answer doesn’t seem like the right one, then it probably doesn’t come from God.  But pushing aside all of the expectations placed upon us by others and beginning once more to listen to that voice inside that hears Him and understands His word will place you on the right path even if you think you are so far off track that you’ll never get back.  You are still in there…and so is He.